Bereavement Help And Advice
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Devastated by Loss
Nothing is really adequate to express the feeling of loss when someone
close to us dies, but the word ‘devastation’ comes as close as any. When
we are devastated by loss, we feel that nobody understands how we feel.
If anyone does know how you feel, then I do. My name is Dick Underwood,
and I am a former Minister of Religion and a former Industrial Chaplain
within the deep sea fishing industry. As a minister of Religion I was
regularly called upon to conduct family funerals, always visiting the
family home several times before the funeral to provide comfort to the
bereaved, and always continuing to visit for as long as his comfort and
support was needed.
As an industrial chaplain within the fishing industry I was frequently
(more frequently than I liked) asked to break the news to relatives when
a fisherman had been washed overboard, or when a ship had sunk with
complete loss of life. I know the sense of disbelief and numbness that
is so often the first emotion. On one occasion a fisherman phoned his
wife only a few minutes before I turned up at the family home to say
that he had died. On returning to his ship from the phone box, the
fisherman had fallen between his ship and the quay, being immediately
crushed to death.
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Although I sometimes conducted up to three funerals a day, I never
became hardened to the suffering of others, and as I faced mourners
during funeral services I frequently joined them in their tears as I
shared in their loss. Sometimes I had to find appropriate words not
once, but three times for the same person, conducting a funeral service
in church, a service at a crematorium, and then a later service during
which the ashes would be scattered. Frequently, in the case of bodies
lost at sea, I was faced with conducting memorial services for
relatives, some of which (because there was no body) were finding it
almost impossible to believe their loved one had really died. I have
conducted funerals that have been attended by hundreds of mourners, but
I have also conducted a funeral where I have been the only mourner. I
have given many eulogies myself, but I have also helped friends and
relatives to give a fitting eulogy themselves.
Death is the Last Great Taboo
One of the first problems for anyone who is bereaved is where you go for
help. Go to the largest bookstore you can find or the largest library in
your neighborhood, and look for self-help books on bereavement. The
chances are, you won’t find any. First of all, where would you look? The
non-fiction area of a bookstore or library is usually divided into
sections, but where would you find bereavement? The medical section –
bereavement isn’t an illness. The psychotherapy section – they are full
of self-help books on all sorts of subjects – everything except
bereavement. The religious section – not everyone is religious, but even
if you are, you’ll find little or nothing about bereavement. There are
books about every subject under the sun, except bereavement.
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Book
of Remembrance Newsletter.
I know that everyone is different, and what helps one person cope, may
have the opposite effect on the next person. There is no magic formula
that will help everyone, but in this eBook I am sharing the knowledge
gained by my experiences in the belief that it may bring help and
comfort to those of you suffering from bereavement. Bereavement
counseling is not an exact science, but there will be something in this
eBook for everyone.